The Root of the Issue
by YAXON
Summary: No one bothers to openly question where the logs from the Substitution Jutsu come from. Until now. Crackfic. Will probably be a two-shot.
1. Chapter 1

"Kaka-sensei, where did that log come from when you made that Substitution-thingy?"

One could literally _hear_ Kakashi's blink as Naruto's question sank in. Here they were waiting for that boat to ferry them and Tazuna across the sea, and Naruto was asking about something that took place hours ago.

In the entirety of shinobi history, not one person has bothered to ask (out loud) a pretty obvious question. Where the hell do the neatly cut logs for the Substitution Jutsu come from? After all, when a shinobi pulls off a Substitution, it's often on-the-fly and at the last split-second before impact with whatever projectile or Jutsu enemy shinobi use. They wouldn't have the time to chop off a bit of bark, cut it up evenly, and leave it to be impaled by enemy attacks.

… It must be said, however, that even though no one has _asked_ about the logs, that didn't mean no one bothered to investigate. It's just… if you didn't have the security clearance for it, you weren't going to learn the truth. Ever. The truth behind the Log is much darker, creepier, and queerer than initial expectations.

Kakashi gave his most rambunctious student his best eye-smile that he could muster.

"Ah. Well, I'm afraid that you're not old enough to hear about that, Naruto. Terribly sorry." Not.

"It can't be worse than that birds-and-bees talk! The Old Man worried about that one, too, and by the time he was ready to give it to me, I'd already developed the Sexy Jutsu, y'know! But it's still an Anti-Pervert move, damn it!"

The silver-haired man sweatdropped at that revelation. Naruto really was the most surprising, knuckleheaded ninja. … But then again, should he really be surprised? Orphans have minimal supervision. Or in Naruto's case, he had Anbu shadowing him that weren't exactly allowed to reveal themselves unless Naruto was under some sort of threat.

The blond peeking into dirty magazines or whatever the hell he did _clearly_ didn't constitute a threat.

"I'm sorry, Naruto, but I really can't tell you." Kakashi half-shrugged helplessly. Because Kakashi didn't put much effort into things that didn't deserve it. Like shrugging, or… listening to Guy…

"Do ya keep a bunch of logs in a scroll somewhere on ya?" Naruto pressed. Kakashi sweatdropped again. Oh boy. Now the brat was _guessing_.

At least the truth could never be guessed, because it was just so ludicrous.

"… No, Naruto. If we actually made use of the trees around the village, we wouldn't be a Hidden Village anymore… In case you didn't know, trees take a very long time to grow back." Kakashi snarkily replied, only feeling the slightest bit guilty that he'd _slightly_ hinted at the truth.

"Is there a Summoning Contract for the logs?" This one was Sakura. Kakashi sighed inwardly as it appeared their discussion had attracted Pinky and Broody.

"Really now, Sakura… Be serious now. Do you really think an _inanimate object_ holds a Summoning Contract?" Even for Kakashi that was absurd. Even if there _was_ a Contract, do you really think the Log would just forgive and forget the nearly infinite number of slain Logs throughout the decades the Hidden Leaf has been around?

"Anbu, then." Sasuke grunted as he made his guess. Kakashi _almost_ stiffened at the suggestion. Almost.

"Care to elaborate?" Kakashi asked, narrowing his only visible eye.

Sasuke hn'ed.

"I don't know, maybe they cut down trees in the dead of night and store them somewhere…" Sasuke's voice was stoic and sounded uncaring, but really he was just as curious as his teammates.

Kakashi snorted at this suggestion. That _would_ be the D-Ranks for Anbu… But still no. Very much no.

"No, Sasuke… Your guess has the same flaw as Naruto's. Besides, Anbu are the elite. They are not lumberjacks."

Kakashi would honestly be offended at the insinuation that all he did in his Anbu career was cut down trees for Substitutions, but they were his cute little Genin… They just didn't know any better, just like he didn't know any better when he was their age. He was honestly the tiniest bit disappointed in the lack of imagination behind their theories; he'd come up with a total of forty seven different theories before learning the truth for himself.

The truth was more disturbing than any of his forty seven theories.

"C'mon, just tell us!" Naruto pleaded, mustering the cutest puppy dog stare he could.

Kakashi was not impressed. Years of associating with the psychotic Anko desensitized him to the whole concept. It wasn't Naruto, it was just him.

"Oh, look. Boat's here. Come along, children." Kakashi the trio of Genin closer to the dock, making a mental note to ask Lord Third what to do later. Because the Genin _would_ persist in their questions.

This was entirely unprecedented. If they'd just taken the traditional route of investigating the matter for themselves… Because being asked about the Truth behind the Log was just plain awkward for Kakashi. If something stumps you, you don't _ask_ about it directly. You use any means necessary to get to the bottom of it, even if your superiors subtly discourage it. What were they teaching kids in the Academy these days?

* * *

Sarutobi looked side to side as he stopped at a seemingly random point in one of the hallways of the administration building. One Chakra pulse to ensure no one was in the immediate vicinity later, and the aged Kage placed a hand on a blank wall. There was the briefest of glows beneath Sarutobi's hand, and then the portion of wall to the left of his hand slid to the left, revealing a hidden passageway.

Hiruzen stepped through the portal, and it closed behind him immediately after he passed through it. After navigating the labyrinth that laid behind the seemingly simple portal, Hiruzen came to a room where a single man was strapped to some kind of bizarre machine that made up an entire wall. Slowly, Hiruzen approached the man with his face grim.

"Tenzo… Wood stocks are down because of you... Shinobi are not getting the Logs they need to survive situations. This will not stand, do you hear me? You _will_ give my men the Logs they so desperately need. Even if it kills you. You are expendable, keep that in mind."

Tenzo whimpered at the amount of Killing Intent radiating towards him. Hey, he might've just been one among two hundred and three Cloned Tenzo's who were supplying shinobi of the Leaf with Logs, but that didn't mean he had to _like_ being pushed to the brink of death every day.

This was simply humiliating. … Even if he was a Clone, and the original was kept free to keep up appearances.

 **Author's Note:**

… **Well, that happened. A very small treat for you guys, but I only have two weeks of the semester left, and I really need to buckle down! Haha. =_= But I wanted to get this out sooner rather than later, because I just loved the hilarity of it. Hope you enjoyed. ^^**


	2. Chapter 2

… Well, it turns out the history of the Log is quite queer. See, earliest records of the Substitution show that the Jutsu was founded by the Great Hashirama Senju himself. Shocking, I know. But the strange part was that Hashirama passed on the Legacy of the Log to his fellow elite shinobi, too. They couldn't use Wood Style, and yet they could pull off the Substitution with Logs so long as Hashirama was around.

This continued on for decades, and people started fearing what would happen to the Log after Hashirama passed away. The Log didn't exist prior to Hashirama, and he never really passed on the secret for the Log, other than the fact it took the presence of a Wood Style user for the Jutsu to work at all. So there was some panicked turmoil around the time that Hashirama was on his deathbed.

And this was years before Mito kicked the bucket, so, y'know, just imagine the secret pandemonium going on in the Hidden Leaf as the Second and Third Shinobi World Wars raged on. The horror! They had to learn to use the Substitution technique with other objects (and sometimes even people).

Those were **Dark Times**. The Log was the absolute favorite Substitution item for no rational reason other than the fact it confused the hell out of their enemies when they were battling in places that were far away from any trees at all.

But! At last a brilliant scientist rose up in the shinobi ranks. A scientist who would be put to work on this very problem by Danzo Shimura, a man who clung shamelessly to the past and had grown up in the first days of the Log. Sure, some of this scientist's experiments were… questionable at best… But Orochimaru worked toilessly to bring about the return of the genes that granted Hashirama Senju the infamous Wood Style.

Sadly, it resulted in the deaths of a lot of babies, which resulted in a lot of death threats by Orochimaru's comrades, because experimenting on babies is Just Not Done.

Sooo Orochimaru kinda had to split. For other illegal experimentations, too, but mostly for the experimentation on babies.

And yet that experiment had _worked_. Though the loss of innocent babies was tragic, _one_ had survived and accepted the Wood Style gene. Danzo, being the crafty old man he is, stole this baby away to his Root Headquarters and raised the boy himself. Danzo never had kids himself, so he was probably very qualified to be raising any children at all. Just look at all those happy, well-adjusted teenagers under his command…

… Wait…

Anyways. Qualifications aside, Danzo _did_ raise the child. Called him Tenzo, taught him to read and write… and started training him in the use of his Wood Style when he was six-years-old. Because really, any longer without the Log, and Danzo was gonna snap. Or had he already? Meh.

* * *

Young Tenzo, huddled on the floor of some small (very small) prison cell with his legs up close to his chest, looked up at the only door to the room as the peephole slid open and a masked Anbu looked into the room. Tenzo was used to it at this point; every day he would be subjected to these checks, to make sure he hadn't escaped in some way. Didn't matter if he had sworn complete allegiance to Lord Danzo, the old coot wasn't taking any chances with him.

But then a tray slid through the flap on the bottom of the door and Tenzo realized it must have been time for lunch. For a 'prisoner,' he was given some pretty good meals. Largely wholesome, healthy ones, but occasionally he would be slipped some kind of dessert for being a 'good boy' in training. And given mostly vegetables when he performed less-than-spectacular.

Tenzo hated vegetables. Didn't he get enough of that crap, being forced to train in the underground greenhouses day in and day out? But no, he _had_ to wolf the stuff down, or it would be force-fed to him. 'A growing boy needs his vegetables' and all that crap. Of course he understood they were just trying to keep him fit and healthy so that he could fulfill his role as the Wood Style user of the Hidden Leaf, but that didn't mean he had to like it.

But still Tenzo hated vegetables so. Except walnuts. Walnuts were okay. But everything else… No. Just… no.

"Hurry up," the Anbu on the other side of the door said in that droll, flat voice that Tenzo had also come to loathe. "Lord Danzo wants to get started with your afternoon training."

Tenzo sighed at this, and grudgingly dug into the tray of food.

Danzo decided to start small for the sake of his greatest resource… er… most favorite charge… _Son_. He saw Tenzo as a son. And Log manufacturer. That was important, too. Danzo had him manufacture roughly one hundred Logs per day when Tenzo was six; some of which were used for Substitutions, but most were used as kindling wood, because when Tenzo first started learning how to use his Wood Style it was winter. Winter is _cold_ , in case you couldn't tell, and Danzo clung to the old ways so much. None of that electricity or electrical heat crap for him and Root, no siree. Just good ol' campfires and maybe some gas heating to filter throughout the underground base…

But nothing too fancy. Gotta keep it old-fashioned. Danzo had quite a nice fireplace in his office, too.

But we're getting off-track now. From a young age, Tenzo understood he had a very important role to play in the grand scheme of things. Lord Danzo _assured_ him that he was very much necessary for the survival of the Hidden Leaf. And he must never, _ever_ come into contact with the Hidden Leaf's traditional militia, because if Hiruzen caught wind that they had a Wood Style user again, well…

That would Just Not Do.

Tenzo _was_ very important, though. As long as he was around, people could make use of the Log again. No more Substituting with rocks, scrolls, silverware, or anything 'creative'. No. They would stick with the Log when making Substitutions.

But Tenzo wasn't quite up to that point yet. He hadn't discovered Lord Hashirama's secret technique for bestowing the Log on his fellow shinobi. Hence the one-hundred-Logs-per-day shtick. They were for Danzo's loyal subjects… er… children. Even though they were just kids, they were efficient killing machines, and Danzo's philosophy was that they needed their Logs to get them out of tough binds. Anbu ran through Substitutions like butter, even if the Anbu were few in number. Sure, the high bare minimum that Danzo had set put a huge strain on his Chakra Reserves, but at least it was an efficient way of building them up, day by day.

Tenzo had so much Chakra now. And all of it was being used for creating _Logs_ …

* * *

This continued on for roughly a decade – a little less. Very little changed about his situation as Tenzo grew up; he was given better accommodations like better living quarters when it was proven he wouldn't run away when given more space. The best part, though, was that he wasn't force-fed vegetables anymore.

Tenzo had learned to hide the dreadful things and destroy them as soon as he could, when his caretakers weren't… watching. Much harder than that sounds.

But everything changed for Tenzo when Kakashi Hatake ran into him in the field when Tenzo was out on a mission – a rare thing, given how _precious_ Tenzo was. But it wasn't far from home, so... There. Nyah.

More importantly, however, the Third Hokage had eventually seen him. Tenzo had been meant to assassinate the old monkey without being spotted. _How_ Lord Danzo could feasibly expect this herculean task of him was beyond Tenzo, but the point is, those were Lord Danzo's orders. Lord Danzo wanted the Hokage's seat that much.

Alas, things only got worse before they got better. If Tenzo wasn't reared to be so damn loyal to Danzo and the Hidden Leaf, he would be questioning his allegiances right about now.

"Danzo… Kakashi was not trespassing on your property. He came here on _my_ orders. And I _did_ send a dispatch." Hiruzen informed his childhood-friend/rival/main-troublemaker. It was nighttime, and the Root base was dark as all hell.

"There must have been a communication error – this is the first _I'm_ hearing of this." Danzo harrumphed, not quite ordering his legion of Anbu to stand down. After all… this was his beloved log manufacturer on the line. … Son. He meant son.

"Well, there you go." Hiruzen smirked at Danzo's slightly twitchy brow, and stepped between Danzo and Kakashi and Tenzo. "Now, Danzo… Remind me again when a Wood Style User was amongst our ranks, because my memory must be fading. Hashirama-sensei was our first and _only_ Wood Style User, but he has long since died, and this boy looks not a thing like him. Plus he's a tad bit on the _young_ side..."

"…" Danzo remained silent and unmoving, despite the temptation to assassinate his childhood-friend/rival/throne-usurper here and now. Though it would solve the oncoming migraine, it would only force the hands of Homura and Koharu, who were still fiercely loyal to their teammate despite their tolerance of his… machinations.

"Danzo." Hiruzen's severe tone had that quality of a parent catching a child in the act of doing something bad, but Danzo knew better… If he didn't answer, _he_ would be the one assassinated here and now, and that would Just Not Do.

"… I was the one that found him. I protected _and_ raised him." Danzo sniffed somewhat haughtily, while also implying that Hiruzen had no right to the boy-now-teenager whatsoever. "It's not like I _hid_ him."

… Just delayed the boy's 'introduction' that might or might not have involved sharp, pointy objects. Yes. Which failed quite miserably, Danzo might add.

"… Danzo. Naruto is turning four years old. The Wood Style is becoming more and more desirable as more issues crop up… So…" Hiruzen bowed his head. "Will you assign this 'Tenzo' to me? I will ensure he is assigned directly to my Anbu guard."

Danzo was expecting this… He _knew_ Hiruzen would be greedy. What happened to **sharing** , hmmm? What was his was certainly not Hiruzen's. Hiruzen had no **right**.

"No. Tenzo belongs to **Root** , and he will…"

"This is not up for debate, Danzo. I was trying to be cordial," Hiruzen decided to play the Hokage card. It was his most powerful asset, yes. "The way you are keeping him confined here is not **conducive**. You dismiss so much modernity that you overlook the fact that science has come in leaps and bounds. A single Wood Style User is a nice discovery, but even if he possesses impressive skill, he will not be enough on his own to meet our **needs**."

"… What exactly are you implying?" Danzo detested his Old-Fashionism being called into question. It had served him well for so many years, after all. Why mess with success?

"Danzo, we can **clone** the boy with our current technology. It's high time he truly started pulling his own weight!"

The sound of Danzo's cane dropping to the wooden floor reverberated throughout the huge room. The silence was that palpable.

* * *

"Hey, Tenzo! Ready to go?" Kakashi asked jovially as they met up in the locker room set aside for Team Ro.

"Y-Yeah…" Tenzo twitched as he looked from side to side, paranoid. They had come for his Blood on numerous occasions, sometimes under the guise of Kakashi, one of his few and only friends in this village. Tenzo had lost track of the number of times they had come for him. There must've been hundreds of clones by now, and there wasn't any indication they would stop coming for his, ah… genetic material.

Of course Kakashi didn't know that. Not anymore. They brought in a Yamanaka to make him forget where Tenzo had come from and to more importantly forget the existence of Root. Lord Danzo had insisted on it. At least with that memory wipe, Kakashi wasn't asking him for Logs on a regular basis…

Not that it made much of a difference a couple years down the road. Kakashi still ended up stumbling upon the secret Log Factories beneath the Hokage Tower, which was kinda embarrassing since they were so **secret** that only the Hokage and Danzo were supposed to know of their existence. And they'd worked so hard to subtly discourage Kakashi's investigations into the origins behind the Log's resurfacing…

* * *

 **Author's Note: Eh. I've held onto most of this since December, and I couldn't really think of anything else to add. I mean, I could continue this, but the energy for it is just gone, y'know? So I'm keeping this a two-shot. :P Hope you enjoyed it a little, though. YOU MUST PICTURE IT WITH YOUR MIND. XD**

 **Review Replies:**

 **ultima-owner: Thanks!**

 **Claciro: Thanks!**

 **YenGirl: I try my best. Glad ya liked it. ^^**


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